“If you love others, if your love is focused on others, you will live in darkness. Turn your light toward yourself first, become a light unto yourself first. Let the light dispel your inner darkness, your inner weakness. Let love make you a tremendous power, a spiritual force.”

Osho

I never knew how much I hated myself until I started exploring my wounds. Throughout my life, I had heard things like:

“People who act out negatively to others really feel that way about themself.”

“People who treat others with contempt really hate themselves.”

At first I thought that was ridiculous. Then I grew to understand that other people’s reactions were about their own issues and not a reflection of me personally. I was able to comprehend that given my own experiences. However, imagining that someone could hate their own self and that be a reason that doesn’t just fuel their sadness but also their anger… it just didn’t make sense. But now that I am knee-deep in the inner workings of my subconcious, I can tell you that it is very much true.

Over time, when I would still have a negative reaction to someone or be so reactive, I always saw the surface and justification for my righteous anger, my offended self etc. It took me a LONG time to finally even see the fact that my reaction was out of my own wounds. From there I was able to be in the midst of a conflict with someone and still see how my feelings about it all stemmed from my own subconcious struggle. That gave me the capacity to extend grace to others and their reactions as well.

“And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?”

Jesus

Now, every conflict I am in, I am able to see exactly how this is a mirror for something in myself that is not healed. It’s actually really annoying! Because then I would get even MORE frustrated with myself because I could see that there was an opportunity to change my behaviors, words or actions with others, yet I was unable to seize the chance. I felt like I had failed. (One of my favorite self-shaming techniques.) Like the shadow within me had won. That self-judgement and criticism would weigh me down and paralyze me with more shame and then anger at myself. And while I definitely directed that anger internally, I unfortunately also spewed it out on those around me. But all the while, it was myself that I really hated and was angry with.

“Love and respect yourself and never compromise for anything. And then you will be surprised how much growth starts happening of its own accord.. as if rocks have been removed and the river has started flowing.”

Osho

Finally understanding this concept has allowed me to let go. Let go of the shame. Make amends and forgive yourself. Give yourself grace. That was my first step towards self-love, being kind to myself. Then committing to continue taking those steps again and again until it’s not so hard to do.

We are not perfect beings. Everyone makes mistakes and grows over the course of their life. In what ways do you need to give yourself grace? What in your life do you need to forgive yourself for? What’s holding you back? Figure it out and take those steps! No one else can do it for you.