You have a guide within you

Part of loving yourself is trusting yourself. Who are the people you trust in your life? Why do you trust them? Can you feel the same about your own self in the same way?

Personally, I have struggled with trusting myself and my decisions. At the time, it manifested as feeling confused, unsure, vacillating in decisions and frequently going back on decisions after I had “made a decision.” Part of this was the influence of shame, feeling not enough or that I was capable enough to make good decisions. This came from my reliance on my mind versus my internal guide that is connected with the universal Source energy.

Even though I vacillated or felt confused, the reality was that I knew the answer… it just wasn’t the answer that I wanted. So I fought against it, trying to convince myself of the opposite, maybe even trying to convince that little voice or prompting inside me to change its mind too.

Another possibility could be that when you hear your intuition, or your gut response to something, you do not take action. Perhaps it is a small prompting to take action and when you run it through your mind, you question the value or importance of taking that action. Over time, the more that you do not act on those promptings, the more difficult it is to hear or connect with.

The less you listen, the less you hear it. It may get quieter, perhaps disappear from your noticing all together. However… the more you listen to it… the stronger it gets and the more integrated into your natural decision making process it becomes.

Another important aspect to consider is how much you trust yourself vs. trusting others. If you don’t trust yourself and your ability to make the best decisions for yourself, you will constantly be asking others their advice and guidance. This not only further separates you from your own intuition, it exacerbates the confusion in your mind and increases distraction from your own voice. It’s not enough to hear the voice, but you have to have trust to follow it and have faith that it will support you. Again, you are relying on the mind, social constructs or others opinions and thoughts versus your inner guide.

Being able to hear this internal prompting has to be developed. We are inundated with so many perspectives, voices, thoughts, and noise in our lives, that you have to be centered in yourself in order to cultivate your connection. As Osho states above, to know and be connected to yourself, aloneness is essential. If you cannot be alone with yourself and hear the internal truth for yourself, how will you be able to hear it amid the chaos of the world?

You must be still. You must be quiet. Use whatever method is best for you to tune out the cacophony of the world and tune in to the still small voice inside you and hear how it prompts you.

Based on my experience, here are some ways in which you have the opportunity to practice hearing, trusting and acting on that internal prompt.

1. Making a life decision
2. Making a small decision
3. Being open with others
4. Choosing your reactions to others
5. Being confident
6. Being strong in the face of conflict/negativity
7. Liking and loving yourself
8. Taking a risk

So the question comes… what does this internal voice/prompt/motivation feel like?? What I have come to find (over way to long of a period of time!) is that the feeling inside is simple. It is always clear. Confusion is that of the mind. Being centered in yourself and connected with your internal guide is easy when you are not fighting it. Whatever prompting you feel that you are receiving should feel right in your body and reflect a feeling of peace.

Your inner feeling should be simple, clear and right in your body.

“If you love others, if your love is focused on others, you will live in darkness. Turn your light toward yourself first, become a light unto yourself first. Let the light dispel your inner darkness, your inner weakness. Let love make you a tremendous power, a spiritual force.”

Osho

I never knew how much I hated myself until I started exploring my wounds. Throughout my life, I had heard things like:

“People who act out negatively to others really feel that way about themself.”

“People who treat others with contempt really hate themselves.”

At first I thought that was ridiculous. Then I grew to understand that other people’s reactions were about their own issues and not a reflection of me personally. I was able to comprehend that given my own experiences. However, imagining that someone could hate their own self and that be a reason that doesn’t just fuel their sadness but also their anger… it just didn’t make sense. But now that I am knee-deep in the inner workings of my subconcious, I can tell you that it is very much true.

Over time, when I would still have a negative reaction to someone or be so reactive, I always saw the surface and justification for my righteous anger, my offended self etc. It took me a LONG time to finally even see the fact that my reaction was out of my own wounds. From there I was able to be in the midst of a conflict with someone and still see how my feelings about it all stemmed from my own subconcious struggle. That gave me the capacity to extend grace to others and their reactions as well.

“And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?”

Jesus

Now, every conflict I am in, I am able to see exactly how this is a mirror for something in myself that is not healed. It’s actually really annoying! Because then I would get even MORE frustrated with myself because I could see that there was an opportunity to change my behaviors, words or actions with others, yet I was unable to seize the chance. I felt like I had failed. (One of my favorite self-shaming techniques.) Like the shadow within me had won. That self-judgement and criticism would weigh me down and paralyze me with more shame and then anger at myself. And while I definitely directed that anger internally, I unfortunately also spewed it out on those around me. But all the while, it was myself that I really hated and was angry with.

“Love and respect yourself and never compromise for anything. And then you will be surprised how much growth starts happening of its own accord.. as if rocks have been removed and the river has started flowing.”

Osho

Finally understanding this concept has allowed me to let go. Let go of the shame. Make amends and forgive yourself. Give yourself grace. That was my first step towards self-love, being kind to myself. Then committing to continue taking those steps again and again until it’s not so hard to do.

We are not perfect beings. Everyone makes mistakes and grows over the course of their life. In what ways do you need to give yourself grace? What in your life do you need to forgive yourself for? What’s holding you back? Figure it out and take those steps! No one else can do it for you.

Shame is a soul eating emotion.

Anonymous

That is one of the most powerful quotes I have heard in my life. I never really thought about shame as I began my adult life. As I had different experiences in life, I began to feel emotions like regret, shame and disappointment. Regret was pretty easy to let go because there is nothing you can really do about it. You can’t change the past, and you may even be blessed enough to see how that allows you to grow and move into different paths in your life. Disappointment is relatively easy to let go as well because, what can you do? It’s also not something you can change, and you have to learn and accept that you cannot control anything in life except yourself and things will not always go as you had planned or as you want. As with avoiding regret, experiencing disappointment can also lead you to positive places in your life that you couldn’t have imagined without that experience.

Unlike guilt, which is the feeling of doing something wrong shame is the feeling of being something wrong.

Marilyn J. Sorensen

But SHAME… shame is insidious… it puts down roots in your mind constantly reminding you that you are not a perfect person, that you are, in fact, a bad person. You are a person who is selfish, not worthy, not enough and a fraud. A fraud because you feel anyone who meets you or knows you and thinks something positive about you doesn’t know your shame and it is all an illusion.

Shame is a soul eating emotion.

Carl Gustav Jung

This one is worth repeating.

Personally, my struggle with shame lasted about 5-7 years. I felt that I was a fundamentally bad person after these mistakes that I had made and that I literally could never tell anyone and would have to carry this burden to my grave. I lived in a self-induced torture for years. Even with therapy and medicine, it festered inside of me, never allowing me to feel I was authentic with those around me and never would be able to again because I would never want people to know what an awful person I was.

Sounds melodramatic right?

It is… but that is the power of shame. Specifically the power of shame remaining repressed and silenced.

Shame is not your friend. It depletes your power. Let go of shame and embrace your magnificence.     

Judith Orloff

In an effort to ignore and escape the pain of my shame, I immersed myself in my work and built a wall around my heart. With that wall, no one would get close enough to see my shame. No one would know how immoral I truly (felt I) was. I threw myself into my work with the energy and dedication to prove that I had redeemable qualities. I may be a selfish asshole that hurt others from my past, but I could still help others in the present and get my validation and self-value from my productivity and excellence that I was able to demonstrate in that way.

Your shame hides in many places-in anger, blame, denial, workaholism, perfectionism, drinking, and anything else you compulsively engage in to make yourself feel better. But if you could just learn to be vulnerable for one second, and open up to the pain, you would find there’s no place left for your shame to hide.     

Adam Appleson

The burying of my shame manifested in several of the above forms. While they were effective in my distraction from the feeling of shame, at least on a conscious level, it was creating within a complex knot of emotions, reactions and suppressions to new experiences that I found impossible to unravel on my own. I experienced a great depression, I tried getting help with therapy, with anti-depressants and still could not heal. There were various points at which I wanted to die to end the suffering in my mind and my sprit. I couldn’t see anyway out. At some point I had to acknowledge to myself the truth. If I did not face my past and my demons I would never be happy again, I would continue to deteriorate mentally, physically and spiritually. If I didn’t face it I would never be able to free myself.

As it has been said, the only way out is through…

I had to be vulnerable enough to admit my secrets to someone, anyone at first. Then later to those who were involved/affected by my choices. I took the steps necessary to heal. To take action around several of the other posts written here already. Being alone, allowing myself to feel my emotions vs. avoiding them, look honestly at myself, my choices, my actions without judgement, to mentally accept those things and even finally say them out-loud. It took me 5 months to open up and express my deepest shame. The relief and peace it brought me was unparalleled. I could breath again.

After the relief, the shock at how much time of my life I had wasted by trying to hide this from not only others but from myself set in. Why did I torture myself for so long? HOW did I torture myself for so long?? My fear to face the pain was what kept me locked in my shame. My fear of the pain that would come kept a nice cozy and warm home for the shame. The longer it took me to face it, to feel the pain and open my heart to others about what I was ashamed of, the more comfortable my shame became inside of me and the more used to misery I became.

While this process is still new to me, and I am sure there will continue to be ups and downs as I continue this journey… facing and uncovering shame has freed my heart, sprit and body so much. I can’t believe it took me so long to do.

What are you hiding in your heart? What secret, what story, what past do you feel you can never share? What shame weighs you down and eats away at your confidence, your ability to open your heart and deepen your connection with the people and world around you.

I implore you… face the shame… face the fear. It may be painful, but it will be so worth it in the end. There is no other way to heal and be free.

It is the false shame of fools to try to conceal wounds that have not healed.

Horace

While I have traditionally heard this word being used to refer to a reversion to former relationships which were generally unhealthy, I think it also has application in the realm of spiritual practice. We tend to want to see things in a consistent manner for it to be true and for us to feel comfort and security we want change to be minimized. However that is not the way it actually works or anything in the world works. Change as they say is the only constant

So many times I have made what felt like powerful progress. And experience so strong and so intense my heart so full of gratitude and love that I can never imagine feeling anything different. And then… There is change. The bliss ends and the demands of the secular life sink in. This is a natural course of events and we should not be disheartened by them.

Personally, my “backslides” come in one of two forms. First, the less surprising one, is to start feeling down about something and then doubt creeps into your mind and causes you to revert a.k.a. backslide into a comfort zone. Fear of change for any reason can cause one to retreat into the familiar, even if it is not facilitating your growth, development or connection to the divine.

The second more unfortunate and more shocking times the backsliding can happen is within a time of hubris. You’ve been in tune with the universe for a certain amount of time or you’ve experienced positivity, perhaps seeing the progress you’ve made and feel proud. With pride, you look upon what you have gone through, and then become attached to it as if it were an end and permanent result. And that is the great KOAN (a paradox to be meditated upon and cause one to gain sudden insight) to help us actualize enlightenment in spiritual life. The process will never end. It will always ebb and flow and you must detach from expectations of permanence. Enjoy the moment let it go and enjoy it all experiences that come to you without fear of loss when it ends.

Most recently, I had a fairly sustained level of positive happy light energy and I was able to extend that into every aspect of my life. I felt like I had accomplished it, and I’d done all the work I needed to do I can now move on into a new stage in my life. I was now happy and could stay that way. As we all know it is impossible to stay happy just as it is impossible to stay in any emotion for the rest of your life. Emotions come and go and you half to be conscious of this, feel the emotions and allow it to pass. Having no expectations and no attachments to those emotions which allows for acceptance and calms stress.

Emotions are impermanent, they will come and go. Buddhists teachings encourage us to “be friends with our emotions.” Meaning, hang out with them… spend time with them, learn more about them, and then, when it is time to go, say goodbye.

With this perspective we learn that we must not allow our emotions to cloud our mind, or block us from our growth. We can feel difficult emotions and not allow them to drag us back to those comfort zones we fought so hard to free ourselves from. Having emotions, or feeling emotions does not mean that we are not on the right track. Really, the term is misleading. Even times when from our paradigm, we seem to moving backwards, it is all part of the process of evolving. “Backsliding” into our comfort zones or habits really is the reflection of the ebb and flow of life that will always be. Rather than thinking of it as “wasting time,” or “going backwards,” the reality is it is all part of our journey and provides us opportunities to become stronger and clearer. Approaching situations we would typically label as “backsliding” with a new paradigm will allow us to maintain our direction and focus without getting down on ourselves or feeling we are some how regressing.

What aspects of your life would you have labeled as backsliding? How can you re-frame your perspective on it? How can you view times like these as helpful for your growth, rather than harmful?

If you pause, and really hear and think about the question… it is so powerful. Imagine hearing the question and then the silence that follows while you are given time to really hear the weight of that question and receive the answer.

In my journey, my inner self, my true self, gave me clues and inclinations towards mine, however I wasn’t clear enough or centered enough to see it or understand.

Have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become.

Steve Jobs

Growing up, I developed a very unique perspective around the female experience. I realized that my interpretations about society seemed to be on the outside of many social perspectives when it came to women/girls. I always thought that I was a little weird or different for feeling and knowing internally how strongly this resonated within me. I felt that I had clear insight into the reality that most or at least many girls and women experience in the course of their lifetime. I didn’t have a specific reason why I felt this way or why I was drawn to investigating the female experience, beyond the fact that I was in fact, myself, a woman. And furthermore, knowing that, although it was perfectly clear and obvious to me the differences between how women and men had to go through life and society, the topic was not a mainstream narrative consistently.

THEN… over the past few years everything has changed. The #ME TOO movement, the increase in women publicly naming their abusive husbands, sexual violators, rapists and general sexual harassment.  The incredible speed at which the increase in discourse around these issues played out, combined with the social reception was shocking yet amazing. While there may not have been a equally fast consequence for these perpetrators in a legal sense, there did start to become at least social consequences for these men, albeit slowly.

It was amazing to see women speaking up, refusing to be silenced anymore. Seeing the courage that it took to tell their story. I was amazed by their strength and their power, feeling that I somehow had lacked this strength and power, given that while I had an inner voice had prompted me around these topics in the past, I had never spoken up or tried to act on the injustice. Never thinking that I could actively using my perspective and experience to help others or make a difference on a grand scale. While I had held certain beliefs and perspectives about women’s right to equality, I hadn’t exhibited the same strength as these women now were. I had limited myself and constrained myself by restrictions of my own creation.

However…

What has happened now, is that this perspective that I always thought was such an isolating and unacceptable one is the exact thing that I have to offer the world!! Insanely… this had never occurred to me in the past. I thought I could use it for the work I would engage in, but never imagined it would be a such a dominant thing that I could focus on.

The exact thing I had thought was a burden was in fact my gift I could bring to the world…

Sometimes the longest journey we make is the sixteen inches from our heads to our hearts.

Elena Avila

So my question is… what is your gift? Where is your passion? Your unique perspective on the world? Do you feel free to express it? If not, then why not? How can you change a sense of burden, being an anomaly or non-conformist into an offering for the world?

In a grander sense… if you could do anything with your life, with no worries for money or supporting yourself… what would you do? How would you spend your life? Towards what purpose? Engaged in what work would you do?

The meaning of life is to find your purpose, the purpose of life is to give it away.

Pablo picasso

Embracing this idea has given my life new purpose and new direction. Seeing that it was my own limiting beliefs and fears holding me back from sharing this. Allowing myself to imagine the possibilities of my life enjoy and envision that without convincing myself why it is not possible.

How do you imagine what you want your life to be? Now believe that it can be.

Hear the question, sit in the silence… and ask…

What is my purpose?

Don’t be the one holding yourself back

In the past 6 months of my life, I have been going through a complete spiritual, mental, emotional and physical transformation. And it has been one of the most challenging yet incredible things I have ever experienced!

I think one of the most shocking things I realized is that I had in my mind settled on a life of mediocrity. Now conciously, I didn’t think of it as mediocrity, I thought of it as a normal, simple, self-reliant and sufficiant for my then goals in life. Because of that, I put constraints on my own vision for my life.

I never envisioned being rich (or having more money that would provide comfort). I never thought about rising in my profession to the point of trying to influence structural or societal change. I never saw myself as a leader. I never thought that I could be myself 100% at all times with anyone not worrying about judgement or shame. I never believed that I could be in a relationship with someone who would accept me completely for who I am and love me unconditionally.

Consequently, because I didn’t have a vision for those things, I settled for less. I didn’t even imagine, or allow myself to imagine, that these things were possible for me.

What ideas in your own mind do you not allow yourself to envision? What dreams do you suppress because it isn’t practical, seems impossible, you don’t know how or where to start, or that you just plain are afraid to think about? Whatever it is… don’t be the one to hold yourself back. There will be sufficient challenges along the way. And plenty of people giving you a plethora of reasons why you shouldn’t try to do whatever it is in your mind and spirit to pursue. So don’t be that person to yourself!

In my young adulthood, I shared ideas and visions for my life. To give the benefit of the doubt to them, they were mostly well meaning people, family and friends offering advice about “being practical,” “keeping your feet on the ground,” “having a back up plan,” or simply pointing out the ways and reasons that it couldn’t be done. Unfortunately for me, I allowed myself to internalize and believe these external opinions based on fear and doubt. I planned and chose for myself a comfortable existence, one that was based on security and safety with little to no risk.

While that has served its purpose, I am not that young girl anymore. I will no longer ceed my power, my visions, my goals to the fear-based mentality of others.

The following quote has been on the wall of my house since I was 22 years old. I wanted this to be my mantra, my motivating belief in my actions and my life.

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined.

Henry David Thoreau

However, I have come to realize that while it was on my wall, it was not in my heart, in my confidence, in my life. But no more, while life will present struggles, obstacles and challenges, it will be mine to overcome. And I will no longer being the one holding myself back from greatness.

Thanks for joining me!

I have learned to live my life one step, one breath, and one moment at a time, but it was a long road. I set out on a journey of love, seeking truth, peace and understanding. I am still learning.

-Muhammad Ali